This blog post is my first submission to the League of Extraordinary Bloggers, which is a fellowship of online writers such as myself who assemble weekly to crank out various blogs centered around a specific topic. This week’s assignment, as suggested by Howie Decker of UnderScoopFire, is to fantasy draft a team of five characters from the 80’s to take on an impending threat. The team will have to “defeat a shady conglomerate of Russian businessmen and their team of hired ninjas.”
Well, GAME ON, SUCKA!!!
The stage is set. Freight shipping magnate Ibanko Nekrestyanov has formed an alliance with his one-time rival from the old country Zakhary Karaulov, who made his fortune by way of oil refineries. What could bring these two former nemeses together? It’s quite simple, really… they both have fallen prey to the alluring influence and feminine wiles of cosmetics queen Galina Yunkin, whose powerful potion Galya has swept the globe from Moscow to Monterrey in sales. What neither man knows is that said fragrance is actually a mind-controlling elixir concocted amongst Ms. Yunkin’s clandestine ninja clan. The Hishoutou* Clan, which has operated underground since the early 17th century, has waited for centuries to reveal themselves and exert their will on the world.
Their number is massive– they boast thousands of trained warriors the world over. Their resources are unlimited— the cumulative wealth and influence of Yunkin, Karaulov and Nekrestyanov affords them access to all types of weaponry, vehicles and technology. Their base of operations, the abandoned Atlantic coast shipping yard in Baltimore, Maryland that was just purchased by Ibanko Nekrestyanov. What they don’t realize is there is a force that will combat them.
The Bro Battalion
Russian counterintelligence, together with the CIA has uncovered the Russian triad’s plot, but their forces aren’t enough to fight such a threat. That’s where this hand-picked group of specialists, spanning across 1980’s cartoons, movies and television, come in. To call this team “Black Ops” would be putting it lightly… these five men share more than just their dark complexions, they have the drive and determination to smack the taste out of some ninja mouths to preserve the freedom of the entire world.
IQ (Bionic Six)
IQ was my absolute first choice for this team. The adopted son of Jack and Helen Bennett (a.k.a. Bionic-1 and Mother-1) and member of the “super-future family” known as the Bionic Six, J.D. Bennett brings bionic-enhanced super-strength as well as super-intelligence to the team. In fact, IQ holds the distinction of being the strongest and smartest of the Bionic Six family as well as the only member without a “1” in his codename (we’re not counting F.L.U.F.F.I.). For these reasons, he provides a great asset in both battle, strategy and technological warfare, all of which are greatly needed against this ninja threat.
Black Vulcan (Superfriends)
My second pick goes to a member of The Superfriends who isn’t quite as appreciated, recognized nor historically rooted as his tights-wearing peers. In fact, I often question why they had to put “Black” in front of his name, since there weren’t any other Superfriends that went by just plain “Vulcan”! (races…) Black Vulcan was added to the Superfriends cartoon lineup in the late 70’s despite never having been featured in any comic book. He lasted until the penultimate season of The Superfriends in the early 80’s, later replaced by Cyborg as the team’s resident black character. Black Vulcan possesses the ability to control electricity, firing it from his hands as well as using it in place of his lower body to propel him in flight. He would prove helpful as overwatch, combat and outright destruction.
Leroy Green, Jr. a.k.a. “Bruce Leroy” (The Last Dragon)
In order to combat martial arts, you must have a martial arts master. And really, there are few masters who can bring it like Bruce Leroy can! Fresh off the heels of defeating Sho-Nuff and catching a bullet from Eddie Arkadian’s .45 WITH HIS TEETH, the no longer virginal Leroy Green, Jr. will have to take a break from helping to rebuild Daddy Green’s Pizza in order to join this team. A master of kung fu, karate and the ninja arts of stealth and invisibility along with knowledge of several hand-to-hand weaponry, Bruce Leroy can take on several opponents at once. And when things get too rough, you can count on The Last Dragon to unleash the power of The Glow…
Mr. T a.k.a. “B.A. Baracus” a.k.a. “Clubber Lang” (The A-Team, Rocky III, D.C. Cab, Mr. T, WrestleMania I and II and much, much more!)
Who’s more of an 80’s bad-ass than Mr. T? ‘Nuff said, really. Want more? He packs a punch, as proven by his demolishing of former heavyweight champ Rocky Balboa. He’s a genius mechanic who can fix and construct just about any vehicle or device if given the time. He can handle heavy ordnance, thanks to his Army commando training. And most of all, he’s got aaaaaallll the gold! Ninjas? I pity the fools!
Lando Calrissian (Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back & Return of the Jedi)
An assemblage of this magnitude needs a leader, and not just any leader will do. One who can handle himself in battle as well as provide direction to this battalion. Lando Calrissian, the former administrator of Cloud City and former General of the Rebel Alliance, has made his way across space and time to Earth in order to join the cause. He brings with him “his ship”, The Millennium Falcon (on loan from his good buddy Han Solo) as well as his side-arm, pimptastic blue cape and charming smile guaranteed to make any lady melt. Galya best beware, because if they ever come face-to-face, she may have to submit to the Carlrissian charm.
How will this team interact with each other? Will they butt heads and clash egos or will they mesh as a cohesive unit of badassery? And will they triumph against this menacing threat of the Hishoutou Ninja led by a triad of Russian industrialists hellbent on bring Western civilization to ruin? Well, this is all the writing I’m doing for now, but tune in next time for more adventures of The Bro Battalion!
Liked what you’ve read? Let us know in the comments below!
Better yet, check out more of The League‘s other highly creative entries this week, such as this one at UnderScoopFire, this one at Monster Cafe, this one at Green Plastic Squirtgun or even this one at Memories of Toymorrow!
P.S.: Wishing a happy and a healthy day of birth to the man himself, Howie Decker! Live it up, my man!
*roughly translated from Japanese, means “flying sickle”