“Swimsuits. I hate the word as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee.”
-Tybalt (Romeo and Juliet)
This week’s summer hazard is one that I’m sure, hits pretty close to home for a lot of us. It can extinguish joy, crush self esteem and bring about a sense of dread in even the most happy-go-lucky person. To make matters worse, we bring most of the pain and fear on ourselves…each and every Swimsuit Season.
To be honest, I personally start feeling dread when spring comes to an end based solely on summer itself. The heat, the bugs….the….activities. I can’t stand any of it. But to add
insult to injury our society likes to do things like “Swimming” and “Sunbathing” that require you to have a “reasonably non scary looking body.” Obviously this is ridiculous and unreasonable. I just ate about an entire Reese factory worth of Peanut Butter Trees during the Christmas season and had topped it off with about 200lbs worth of Mr Reese addictive PB in egg form at Easter. After all that I’m expected to slip into a speedo and stride along the beach in all my bronzed, oiled up splendor? No. I wear swim trunks and a
tee shirt on those rare occasions when I am conned (or tricked) into participating in water based tomfoolery. I have worn a teeshirt ever since the days when I was a scrawny, goofy looking kid.
I tell everyone that it’s because, being a redhead, I get sunburned really easily and need to protect my precious, presious skin. But just between you and me it might also have something to do with my enormous, grotesque obesity.
I am not what you might call a “beautiful specimen” of a man. Unless you’re into Short, Bald, Fat and Hairy…which actually, this might surprise you buy…I’m kidding. No one’s into those things. If it wasn’t for my wonderful, beautiful and very accepting wife, I would have been doomed to die alone. AND if my parents hadn’t decided to move from Hawaii to Ohio before I was born, it might have gone something like this.
Believe it or not friends, I’m not the only person in the world haunted by swimsuit season. I have heard rumors that some WOMEN also worry about being “Beach Ready” I think Women look wonderful in all shapes and sizes but apparently they occasionally get concerned that they might not look their best. Here’s a tip ladies. Geek swimsuits! I stumbled upon
this during my extensive research (Google Images) and I think it’s going to be all the rage this year! …at least in my brain it will be, I mean who’s going to care how toned you are if you’re sporting a FREAKING RAD WONDER WOMAN SWIMSUIT!!!
There are also R2D2 swimsuits, Gameboy Swimsuits, Super Girl Swimsuits and even Batman Swimsuits! So I think it’s safe to say that I’ve solved all women’s swimsuit related problems forever. You’re welcome ladies.
Now that that’s over we can get back to me. I think the thing that makes it worse for me is that I don’t actually enjoy doing things that you have to wear swimwear for. I think swimming is ok… I never sunbathe, I don’t run 0n the beach (HA!! Run on the beach!) I never even put that white stuff on my nose and play beach volleyball score a really rad point on a spike then jump and high-five my best bro before we both grab gatorades out of our cooler.
So now I have to try to work out to make sure I look my best so I can go out in a hot, crowded and sunny environment to do stuff I’m not into. And why? Because it’s expected of me. Because society expects it of all of us and we can’t let society down now can we? Well actually I can and do on almost a daily basis.
I would like to state here and now that I no longer want to fall victim to swimsuit based peer pressure. I don’t need to have a “Superher0 Body” I just need a “Comic Book Store Body” Those are MUCH easier to get (and maintain) and I have a heck of a lot better time enjoying it! What about you? Do you still want to worry yourself all season trying to meet unrealistic expectations?
I don’t think so. I think you should all proudly do what I do and just give up! It really is the best way around this whole thing. and after we swing past the comic book shop we can all get ready for an Addams Family style nighttime Moonbathing Extravaganza! No sun, no surf and no judging! Also I finally get to wear one of those sweet black and white striped one piece men’s old timey swimsuit. It’s a total win-win!
And for those of you who resolve to continue to fight the good fight and whip that body into shape? Have fun with that!
Good Luck out there friends and remember. Summer CAN’T last forever!