This week I want to warn you about a summer hazard you may have very well overlooked. One you might pass by every single day and not think twice about it. A menace, hidden right out in the open that could be putting you and the ones you love in danger.
People play sports in the street.
Okay, I hear what you’re saying, whoa whoa CW…before you go into the whole street thing you are gonna need to explain “people play sports.”
I know it’s hard for classy sophisticates like us (by which I mean delicate and/or lazy people) to understand, there are those who find joy in going outside and engaging in high intensity, highly competitive, feats of athleticism that often results in personal injury, or even worse…getting sweaty.
I don’t like it any more than you do. The whole thing gives me the creeps to be quite honest. Physical activity? I don’t even like those rare occasions that I have to get up from the safety of my computer to get another bottle of sparkling mineral water. But…some people like that sort of thing so there you go.
Now, normally people play these sports in some kind of arena, gymnasium-field rink sort of a thing but occasionally these are unavailable. Presumably because of other people doing sports stuff on them at the time. And the athletes are forced to do their sports right in the middle of the road. Ive heard about this “street sport” thing happening. I’ve seen it in film. On a few instances, I’ve actually witnessed it with my own eyes (from the safety of an air conditioned house, obviously) But I need you to understand that this IS real.
I would never do this of course. And not just because I hate “outside” or because I hate sports…or streets. I hate all these things but there is an even bigger reason that I hate street sports. I have never in my life been picked or asked to play one. And for many good reasons, all of which I would like to break down for you now.
The idea of me playing basketball is ridiculous, street or otherwise. I am about 4 feet tall and about 4 feet wide. I look more like a basketball than a basketball player (aside from being a sickly pale white…because again, I don’t go outside) I’ve got no “hang time” I’ve got no “sweet moves” no “ups” and I’ve never been approached while shooting some b-ball outside of a school by a couple of guys who were up to no good. I don’t get approached by anybody while shooting b-ball. Because I don’t shoot b-ball.
Picture this… Football is a sport where people throw a ball then run with the ball to try to capture the home base of the opponent…or something like that. Anyway, it involves something called “tackling” where you grab another person and violently drag or throw them to the ground. Now picture it on a rock solid, rough blacktop that’s just aching to peel the flesh from your bones. Also, the odds are about 135% that you’ll be run down by a car while concentrating on the football running. Why would anyone want to do that? That’s anybody’s guess.
There are actually a lot of elements of street baseball that have always appealed to me. I’ve always been a “makeshift base” enthusiast (Second base should always be a manhole cover.) I enjoy breaking other peoples windows both apartment and automotive. I also really enjoy the idea of my mother leaning out of her window, wearing curlers, shouting about my curfew. Unfortunately, there are a lot of other things like keeping an eye on the ball, running around, catching and throwing things etc that don’t appeal to me at all. So of course I don’t play it.
I don’t ever play stick-ball because this isn’t the Bronx in the 1940′s.
Where do I begin with street hockey. I know nothing about hockey. I know that the guys in clerks lost their ball, no one brought an extra one and the main guy wasn’t even supposed to be there that day. I know that pinnacle of athleticism and personal hero Kevin Smith plays which, now that I think about it, means it might not actually be beyond the realm of possibility for me.
Last but possibly not least I remember that the kid from Kenan and Kel had that awesome “knuckle puck” move that helped him catch the eye of Emilio Estevez and his ragtag crew of unlikely hockey heroes. Ducks fly together!
So that about sums it up. No sports for me. Street sports? Even less so. There are enough things to fear out there without worrying that I’m going to be hit by a car while trying to execute some Bo Jackson (an athlete) style move but just ending up another sweaty fat guy laying in the street with tread marks on his back.
Have fun! …but not in a sporty way. And remember Summer CAN”T last forever.
“Swimsuits. I hate the word as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee.”
-Tybalt (Romeo and Juliet)
This week’s summer hazard is one that I’m sure, hits pretty close to home for a lot of us. It can extinguish joy, crush self esteem and bring about a sense of dread in even the most happy-go-lucky person. To make matters worse, we bring most of the pain and fear on ourselves…each and every Swimsuit Season.
In my conversations with other members of the retro pop culture journalism community, we often talk about our childhood. To be more specific, we ONLY talk about our childhood. Often the topic strays away from the carefree subjects of toys, cartoon and vintage cereal and creeps into less happy places. What scared us and more importantly what scared the whole of these United States of America when we were young? It seems universal, that people I talk to always name one thing; commies. The communists, specifically Russia was a huge threat and it seemed like, for these folks, the possibility of nuclear war was always just around the corner.
This tells me two things about them. One: Man, they’re old! Two: they didn’t live the kind of down and dirty, street level, salt of the earth existence I did as a kid. You see, when I was a lad, the Russians were basically reduced to cheesy movie villains, the globe still labeling them “The USSR”, and this guy:
What I’m trying to say is that the fear that haunted those moments of childhood introspection for me wasn’t the Red Scare. It was the Orange and Black Scare. I’m talking about KILLER BEES.
They are a nightmare. A mindless eating machine. They cannot be stopped. They cannot be reasoned with. They only think about satisfying their unshakable desire and they don’t care who or what you are. You don’t even register on their radar. no. I’m not talking about teenagers, I’m talking about….SHARKS.
Friends. I’ve made a fantastic realization.
Much like action figures and animated series (and sometimes action figures FOR an animated series.) we have lived through another Golden Age!
The Golden Age of talking food.
You probably already knew this instinctively but I’m here to confirm your suspicions. The best anthropomorphic food-based entertainment ever created, was created during our generation.
This post is another late submission to The League of Extraordinary Bloggers– you can consider this one extra credit, if you must…
Bring it back! What product or media property would you like to see revived, and how would you imagine it being different today.
(topic courtesy of Big J over at Nerd Rage Against the Machine)
With the giant monsters vs. mechs movie Pacific Rim on the horizon, now’s a good time for Hasbro to bring back The Evil That Lies Within…
In the style of other Hasbro lines G.I. Joe and Transformers, Inhumanoids was both an animated series and toy line that debuted in 1986. The show was also produced by Sunbow/Marvel and animated by Japan’s Toei Animation. A group of human scientists known as Earth Corps are formed to battle three subterranean monsters, collectively known as the Inhumanoids, who suddenly appear.
The Inhumanoids consisted of three main monsters:
Metlar who resides in the Earth’s core and is able to spit balls of flaming lava.
D’Compose is an undead dinosaur that can corrupt flesh and create zombie-fied monsters out of humans. He has a rib cage in his chest that swings open to trap humans and yells out his name… a lot!
Tendril was my favorite of the monsters– a walking mass of seaweed laden with vine-like tentacles who can regenerate limbs when they are cut, similar to a Hydra. Continue reading
This week’s assignment from The League of Extraordinary Bloggers comes courtesy of… ME!
That’s right, I donned my Cerebro helmet, twitched my nose and made Silent Bob Jedi hand-motions while dangling precariously from a game show scaffolding to convince the guys at CoolandCollected.com to use my momentary brain fart as a topic from which to blog of….
You open your own sports agency. Which pop culture all stars will be your first clients? “Show me the money!”
Look… if Jerry Maguire, Arli$$ and, most recently, Jay-Z can do it, why can’t we?
and so, I give you…